When one watches a babies first steps on weak little legs, the fall, the struggle, the natural urge to continue using their bodies in ways they never have before, the internal-cowardice of some adults seem confusing. To naturally seek destructive comforts and stagnation, seems a degradation of humanity. Even though those "stuck" in these places are never happy, it seems as though they lost the hope that they can push the imposed :"laws" they place on their lives in order to find happiness.
I fear contentment, even as I feel stuck. Its common enough this day and age. I don't know which walls to push, which doors to open to seek that fulfillment of the empty cavity I seem to have within me. I keep trying, but I tire. The older I get the more the doors on my choices seem to close on me, and that helpless rage growls in the back of my heart. It is easy for me to give in, to "rest" in the comfort of monotony, but it is unnatural, and always leads to another day of that familiar emptiness.
I must remind myself to "push" like the smallest toddler. It is humbling. But sometimes I am granted short boosts of youthful energy for the effort, and I feel that joy of pursuing a new adventure. Even if it only lasts a moment.
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
Continuing on by Clearing the Air
It has been quite some time since I have posted anything new. Not unexpected really, I am a terribly fickle person when I devote myself to such tasks with no clear achievable goal. I don't like that about myself, I'm too selfish, morose, fainthearted, and a thousand other things. As long as it comes to tearing myself down, I am an analytical mastermind.
Which makes it difficult to progress in things like this blog, or my life, as my feet always seem to wander down the boggy path of self-loathing. So bear with me as I attempt to continually throw out the natural-born harsh internal-criticism I possess, to continue down the path of this blog.
There will be bad days, there will be good days, there may be other prolonged periods of silence, but the central reason for this blog hasn't changed, and that is to change and improve myself, and for my own general psychological health (debatable). I know selfish right? Let me be narcissistic here for a moment, and just say MEEEEEEEEEEE!
Good. Sometimes the air has to be cleared. So to any who still might happen along this blog be prepared for it to have semi-regular updates once more. If someone happens to be entertained, or find it interesting, good! If not, good! It doesn't really matter either way. Personal battles are just that, personal. (inner-voice: so he says on a public medium.... wait did I just refer to myself as a "he" in my own head?)
Here I have to shut myself up, and say that using this blog is a lot like having the illusion of a crowd listening in, and I am in my own head FAR too much! Though, perhaps its unkind to essentially call potential readers 'illusions.' But I consider it like the 'fourth wall' on a theater stage, as far as the actors are concerned the audience shouldn't exist. (inner-voice: Then why do you address them.)
WAHHH! Before, or maybe while, any might think it I am not insane. I'm just that insanely analytical. So if you catch me saying one thing, and then it immediately seems like the opposite is true. Let me just say right now that I might not know whats true myself, so I can be a terrible hypocrite and liar. (inner-voice: more self-sabotage. Ironic-YAY!)
But in a way that is also what I'm trying to find out. This is the best way I know to get all my thoughts in order. (inner-voice: If I can even call it 'order.' Hmmm, back to 'I' huh?) Before I ramble any further I'm going to end it here, so.... Good luck to me, and my apologies to the existent/non-existent person who may read such a thing as this.
Which makes it difficult to progress in things like this blog, or my life, as my feet always seem to wander down the boggy path of self-loathing. So bear with me as I attempt to continually throw out the natural-born harsh internal-criticism I possess, to continue down the path of this blog.
There will be bad days, there will be good days, there may be other prolonged periods of silence, but the central reason for this blog hasn't changed, and that is to change and improve myself, and for my own general psychological health (debatable). I know selfish right? Let me be narcissistic here for a moment, and just say MEEEEEEEEEEE!
Good. Sometimes the air has to be cleared. So to any who still might happen along this blog be prepared for it to have semi-regular updates once more. If someone happens to be entertained, or find it interesting, good! If not, good! It doesn't really matter either way. Personal battles are just that, personal. (inner-voice: so he says on a public medium.... wait did I just refer to myself as a "he" in my own head?)
Here I have to shut myself up, and say that using this blog is a lot like having the illusion of a crowd listening in, and I am in my own head FAR too much! Though, perhaps its unkind to essentially call potential readers 'illusions.' But I consider it like the 'fourth wall' on a theater stage, as far as the actors are concerned the audience shouldn't exist. (inner-voice: Then why do you address them.)
WAHHH! Before, or maybe while, any might think it I am not insane. I'm just that insanely analytical. So if you catch me saying one thing, and then it immediately seems like the opposite is true. Let me just say right now that I might not know whats true myself, so I can be a terrible hypocrite and liar. (inner-voice: more self-sabotage. Ironic-YAY!)
But in a way that is also what I'm trying to find out. This is the best way I know to get all my thoughts in order. (inner-voice: If I can even call it 'order.' Hmmm, back to 'I' huh?) Before I ramble any further I'm going to end it here, so.... Good luck to me, and my apologies to the existent/non-existent person who may read such a thing as this.
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